waving goodbye

So sad to see her go!

The Girl started ‘big school’ yesterday?

She was SO excited, it was unbelievable.  Considering all the crap that she’d had with that bitchy girl in her class over the past 3 years – and the fact that we found out just before the summer holidays started that ‘she’ (her arch-nemesis as The Girl calls her) was going to the same school, I’m surprised that her enthusiasm has been so high!

But she’s very dificult to wear down – which is a good thing of course 🙂

So, yesterday was Day 1 of high school (secondary school if Lee’s reading).  Although it was only actually 2 hours – 1.20 to 3.30.  But she was determined to walk to school by herself (her friend round the corner was getting a lift – which I find quite pointless) and so I literally had to wave her off from the gate and watch her go – so tiny and helpless – hence my poignant photo, LOL (I then went inside and had a few tears to myself while noone was looking).

She went off again this morning – after getting changed really quickly so that The Man could see her in her uniform.  Yesterday was just Year 7 and all getting to know her form class and form tutor and getting her lanyard and planner (which are the 2 most important things in her school) and getting her photo taken.

Today, the rest of the school are there and she’ll need to get to know her way around, find out her timetable and charge her lunch card up with money and get used to the hustle of the dining hall.

I’ve even had to get her own door keys cut!

All bloody scary staff if you ask me.  Which she did.  She asked how I felt when I went to high school, and to be honest, I can’t even remember.  I know that I didn’t know hardly any of my new classmates – I think there was just one who had been in my primary school.  My school was roughly the same size as hers is – but hers is all girls.  Still not sure if that’s a good or bad thing, LOL

feeling it

Ignorance is bliss...

I’m not really sure why, but the past couple of weeks I have really started to feel old.

OK, I say that I’m not really sure why, but I think that it’s actually an accumulation of things.

The Girl is going to be starting High School in less than 2 weeks, which feels really really scary.  My baby, going to big school – she’s only a little dot herself!  I can’t possibly be old enough to have a child that goes to high school!

I also haven’t been sleeping very well the past few weeks, and it’s really starting to take its toll on me.  I’ve had recurring insomnia since I was 18, but as I get older, it gets harder to deal with – and I don’t manage to bounce back as easily.

I take 150mcg of thyroxine a day (hypothyroidism)…well, I am supposed to, but I really don’t remember to take my pills any more than every other day, which means that I have no energy, which lives me a bit down and dispirited.  I need ot find a way to rmember to take my pills, as I am never going to get past this.  It’s been 10 years now and I still don’t remember.

Also, the less I remember to take my pills, the less energy I have, the less inclined I am to do anything, and the less my body manages to use any energy in my body, and the more weight I am putting on.  I know I need to do something about this, as I think it’s starting to get to me now.  My joints ache, I am starting to feel frumpy.

I noticed my forehead was a bit wrinkly this week, and that my skin feels gritty and odd.  I have also been stung by a wasp on my neck, which looks ugly and hurt like hell, and then bitten by something on my foot on Monday which swelled up and looked bizarre, and has itched like hell – even waking me up in the night!

I need my hair done, I need to get my eyes tested (now that The Man is working, I’m going to be able to afford to), I really really need to go to the doctor to have my thyroid checked as I am supposed to every 6 months, but haven’t for a couple of years.  And I’ve had an odd pain in my chest for the past couple of weeks that is starting to get annoying.

I think I need a holiday.  In fact, I know I need a holiday.  And then I can get into the right mindset and move myself up a gear.

I don’t think it has helped that due to school holidays, I have only had The Girl for 2 days in the past 3-4 weeks and I miss her terribly.  I am not a clingy mother and I hate being labelled as a mum over any other aspect of my personality, BUT I feel that I have lost a whole side of what makes me me.  In fact I’m having a little tear to myself typing this, LOL.  I’m such a wuss.

I need a boot up the arse, that’s what I need.  And a couple of good nights out/in gossiping with some friends and a big hug from my baby.

a bit selfish, i know

I can sulk like a good'un!

I guess when I wrote this post about all the bad aspects of my personality, I should’ve included being a wee bit selfish.  Although I don’t do it all the time – it’s just right now that I’m having to fight off that monster.

I love my birthday, I’m not sure why – maybe it’s because I don’t like Christmas, but it’s always quite close to Christmas.  maybe it’s because it brightens up that Jan/Feb period that people seem to think is gloomy (which I never have by the way!).  Anyway, today is exactly a week before my birthday – and part of me feels a little downheartened about it this year.

I’m looking forward to seeing all my friends – I tend to have a good turn out for drinks for my birthday – but there’s a little spoilt brat of a child really trying to come to the surface at the minute.

The Man has been out of work for over three and a half years.  A long time!  This usually doesn’t bother me – he was made redundant three times in three years – and the last two roles, he really wasn’t happy in.  At the moment, it kind of suits us.  We’re skint most of the time, yes, but we manage to get by, and we manage to have a bit of fun while we’re doing it.

But just now, I would LOVE to have a treat or surprise for my birthday, and I get a little bit sad knowing that it’s not going to happen.  I am NOT going to pay out for a present for myself because that just feels very self-indulgent, but he doesn’t get any money at all (jobseekers allowance stops after 6 months and we get absolutely zilch benefits because I work).

I always make sure I treat him as much as possible on his birthday, but for some reason this year it’s really hit me that he can’t do the same for me.  I don’t remember feeling like this the past three birthdays, so I’m not sure why it’s getting to me this time.  Perhaps it’s because I usually have my ‘big birthday night out’ drinking with my mates really close to my birthday, and this year, everyone decided it’s the first weekend in February and they all kept the 6th free, whereas I would’ve gone for the 30th – so it feels like nothing is actually going to happen on/around my birthday.

I’m thinking next weekend is my birthday weekend, and yet I’m not going to be celebrating it in any way.

And that is what makes me feel selfish I guess – I’m still going to have a great night out, just a week later, and I still have exactly the same situation as I have for years.  I just seem to want something more.  And I feel bad about that 😦

happy new year to me

I had a nice surprise yesterday.

I have been sulking for over two weeks now, as my daughter’s dad took her on holiday all over Christmas and New Year.  It was a fantastic opportunity for her, but was a massivelu upsettuing time for me.  What’s the point of Christmas when you haven’t got your baby around?  I have never really liked Christmas, but I’ve loved her excitement – and this year I didn’t even have that.  Also, he hasn’t had her for longer than 2 nights at a time for the last year or two, so it was a wrench to have her taken away from me anyway.

Anyway – so my nice surprise.  I got an email telling me that she would be home very soon, and not to worry that she’s had such a fantastic time with her dad, that it doesn’t mean anything – just that she’s had a good holiday.  Not to feel bad that we can’t afford to take her away on posh holidays as we are the ones that are there every day doing all the important things.  Very sweet, yes, but the email was actually from me.

Back at the end of August, I found this site called FutureMe.Org which enables you to write an email and choose a date that you want it to be sent on.  At the time, I’d only just agreed that she could go away, and I was having major hassles with her dad over something else – and it was making me feel very insecure about everything with her, so, knowing that she’d be back just after New Year, I decided to send myself an email to arrive on New Year’s Day just giving myself a bit of a pep talk.

I told a couple of my friends abotu the site, and they thought it was stupid…but I thought it was a great idea.  It’s one I’m definitely going to bear in mind for future pre-planned traumas, LOL.

And it did the job – yesterday, when I got the email from my past self, I thought “Yes! That’s right! ‘m a bloody great mum and she loves me loads.  That’s all that matters.”  And it’s true 🙂

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