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statements of truth

Last night, I was going through an old online diary that I used to have and I came across this entry in 2002 that made me giggle.  It still does.

Try to deny these ‘truths’. I bet you can’t….

1)Moles are always smaller than you imagine.
2)At the end of every party there is always at least one girl crying.
3)One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint to toilet cycle get scynchronised with a complete stranger.
4)You’ve never quite sure whether its ok to eat green crisps.
5)Everyone who grew up in the 80’s has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6)Reading when your drunk is horrible.
7)Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8)You’re never quite sure whether its against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
9)Whatever your age the desire to make plastic dolls shag is almost impossible to resist.
10)Nobody ever dares make cup a soup in a bowl.
11)You never know where to look when eating an apple.
12)Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13)Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14)Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15)You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16)Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17)The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18)The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19)Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20)Every bloke has at some stage while taking a piss flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21)Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22)Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a frisbee.
23)Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24)You never ever run out of salt.
25)Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26)You cant respect a man who carries a dog.
27)Theres no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you you’ve gotten your hand or head stuck in something.
28)No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29)Despite constant warning you have never met anybody who has their arm broken by a swan (although I know @MartinGreaves was bitten by a goose at the weekend, and @goodwin71 being bitten by an ostrich was one of the funniest things I’ve witnessed!)
30)The most painful household incident is stepping on an upturned plug with no shoes on.
31)People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard
32)You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood to specifically stir paint with.
33)Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34)Bricks are horrible to carry.
35)In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36)Triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones.
37)Beneath every floating balloon is a tearful child.

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  1. Lee
    January 12, 2011 at 9:27 am

    Imagine how manly you’d feel poking a fire with a stick you’d sharpened with a knife!

    • January 12, 2011 at 10:06 am

      I think that might just be too much manliness for a body to cope with. you might grow boobs to compensate!

  2. Lisa
    January 16, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    I just read this whilst eating an apple and promptly choked on reading #25 as I have witnessed many an old ‘un eating more than their own body weight in food.

    My uncle used to insist that walking across gratings in the pavement would ensure I would go through and be sliced into chips (a variation on ‘the dragon will come out of the pavement cracks and eat you’, I suppose). It took me a long time to get rid of this fear and be able to walk across gratings or even reinforced glass set into pavements. Why anyone needed a window in a pavement, I’ve never been able to figure out…?

    • January 16, 2011 at 9:42 pm

      Oh God yes, I hate walking over those little glass bricks in the pavement. i know the reason for them is to let some natural light into basement rooms, but really – they shouldn’t be walked on, it’s just WRONG!

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