a bit selfish, i know

I can sulk like a good'un!

I guess when I wrote this post about all the bad aspects of my personality, I should’ve included being a wee bit selfish.  Although I don’t do it all the time – it’s just right now that I’m having to fight off that monster.

I love my birthday, I’m not sure why – maybe it’s because I don’t like Christmas, but it’s always quite close to Christmas.  maybe it’s because it brightens up that Jan/Feb period that people seem to think is gloomy (which I never have by the way!).  Anyway, today is exactly a week before my birthday – and part of me feels a little downheartened about it this year.

I’m looking forward to seeing all my friends – I tend to have a good turn out for drinks for my birthday – but there’s a little spoilt brat of a child really trying to come to the surface at the minute.

The Man has been out of work for over three and a half years.  A long time!  This usually doesn’t bother me – he was made redundant three times in three years – and the last two roles, he really wasn’t happy in.  At the moment, it kind of suits us.  We’re skint most of the time, yes, but we manage to get by, and we manage to have a bit of fun while we’re doing it.

But just now, I would LOVE to have a treat or surprise for my birthday, and I get a little bit sad knowing that it’s not going to happen.  I am NOT going to pay out for a present for myself because that just feels very self-indulgent, but he doesn’t get any money at all (jobseekers allowance stops after 6 months and we get absolutely zilch benefits because I work).

I always make sure I treat him as much as possible on his birthday, but for some reason this year it’s really hit me that he can’t do the same for me.  I don’t remember feeling like this the past three birthdays, so I’m not sure why it’s getting to me this time.  Perhaps it’s because I usually have my ‘big birthday night out’ drinking with my mates really close to my birthday, and this year, everyone decided it’s the first weekend in February and they all kept the 6th free, whereas I would’ve gone for the 30th – so it feels like nothing is actually going to happen on/around my birthday.

I’m thinking next weekend is my birthday weekend, and yet I’m not going to be celebrating it in any way.

And that is what makes me feel selfish I guess – I’m still going to have a great night out, just a week later, and I still have exactly the same situation as I have for years.  I just seem to want something more.  And I feel bad about that 😦


18 thoughts on “a bit selfish, i know

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  1. I’ve always enjoyed giving more than receiving, but sometimes it is nice to receive.
    I can understand being bummed about having to celebrate your birthday after your birthday, but as far as feeling bad about TM not being able to get you something, try to think about what he would get you if he had the money. I’m sure he would buy you anything and everything if he could.

    Cute picture btw 🙂

    1. I’ve always enjoyed giving more than receiving too – but it IS nice to receive occasionally. As I said, I don’t know why it’s hit me so bad this year, I’ve been used to it for birthdays. Christmas and anniversaries for the past few years.

  2. I know how you feel (mumbles something about SIMS 3). When you don’t have money to do things or get things, it does start to bring you down a bit. The brat in me starts thinking, well if he got a better job or didn’t waste money on laptop parts for a laptop that he broke out of anger in the first place, things might be different. But I just try to think of the little things in life that I do have and the things he does do for me and that helps.
    Still want SIMS 3 though damn it and I better get it for V-Day!!!!

    1. I think it might be because I’m so tired at the moment – I’ve not slept very well the past 2-3 weeks, and today especially I keep yawning in meetings and stuff. I think I just feel deflated and a bit ‘unspecial’. 😦

  3. Selfish is the last thing you are! You have far more patience and have given far more than I ever could have. Not sure what else to say, but I can’t sit here and listen to you call your self selfish. It’s just ridiculous!

    1. I think most people are their biggest critic xx I slept better last night, but still very very tired. Luckily I had a meeting which meant that I didn’t need to leave til 10am, so I felt a little more relaxed. Had a gorgeous dinner an’ all 😀

  4. hello!

    belated happy birthday honey 🙂

    I dont think it’s selfish how you are/were feeling at all! You should have a fuss made of you on your birthday and even if he cant do anything materialistic he should do other things – so i am glad he made you a nice dinner. I really hadnt realised he’d been out of work all that time! sheesh, but when i sit and think, it will be three years that we’ve been in our house soon and he had an interview aroudn the time of our house warming so it all adds up. jeebers! Have a great time this saturday, at one point over the weekend just gone I thought I might be able to make it but I dont think I can now – I am not travelling too well due to a busted pelvis so i think I need another weekend of rest xxx

    1. Cheers Noo xx Sorry to hear that your pelvis is giving you so much trouble – you really don’t have much luck, do you? Shame you wont be able to make it – it’s ages since I saw you now. Life goes by so very very quickly!

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