a strange inheritance

I always seem to inherit odd things from people – I’ve never been one for taking jewellery, which seems to be the ‘normal’ thing for girls.

When my nan died a couple of months ago, we cleared the house…my uncle had died just a year before, and had lived with her all his life.

I loved my uncle so much, but he was a bit of an odd one occasionally, and only got worse as he got older (which is understandable).  We found all sorts of meticulous notes in the battery compartment in remotes (to say when they were last changed) or in the clocks (to say when they were last serviced) etc etc.

Anyway, along with Gemma, a battered old leather-effect pouffe, a crystal sweet bowl, a chest of drawers and a mantel clock I seemed to ‘inherit’ about 10 bars of Simple soap, 5 jars of Cadbury’s drinking chocolate and a vacuum cleaner.

Today, I opened up one of the packs of replacement bags for the vacuum cleaner…and found codes written on each one meticulously by my uncle in his neat script.

But what does it mean?!?!?

Can anyone crack the code?

fifty shades of gravy: the cookbook – i m pliant

Fifty Shades Of Gravy

I was contacted by one of the authors of this little book of delights due to my review of THAT book. (If you hadn’t already guessed, I M Pliant isn’t a real person…shame!)

This is a perfect stocking filler (ooer) or Secret Santa style gift – especially for those women who loved (or hated) THAT book.  In fact, when I showed it to a couple of the guys at work, they wanted to get it for friends.

As with all recipe books, it is split into sections – cocktails, canapes, light bites, big dinners and desserts.  Every single recipe has its own double entendre title. Posh Tart With Crabs, Gently Jerked Pork, Force Meat In The Hole, The Disappointing Chipolata, Game For Anything Pie…the list goes on

Every recipe also comes with its own description – which is generally highly entertaining…funny rather than erotic (a bit like Fifty Shades of Grey).  For example, within the recipe for “A Quick Hand Shandy” we have a fun tip: “As your Hand Shandy is in the making, daydream about jugs – try and serve up frothy pint’s worth in an old man’s style dimpled ‘jug’ glass or ‘working man’s tankard (sometimes called a ‘Wankard’).”

Many of the recipes themselves, far from being just for fun sound extremely tasty.  I quite fancy the idea of munching on Swollen Purple Bell Ends. Yum!

If I have any crticism at all, I think it would be that it seems to have been put together by blokes as the dessert section seems to be for the puns rather than the dishes which feel a little less inventive and yummy-sounding than the other sections.  But hey, it’s worth it for the laughs.

I thoroughly recommend it – maybe not as a pressie for your mum, but for that mate that loved THAT book and you felt obviously needed more in their life

There are no pictures of the glorious products of these recipes, but then some things really are better left to the imagination. Aren’t they?

scritchy scratchy

Look! I won a whole fiver! (The fact the card cost £5 is irrelevant)

As I rose from my seat on the Victoria Line this morning at Highbury & Islington, I closed the cover of my Kindle, and a scratchcard that I had shoved into my bag for safe-keeping fell from the cover where it had become jammed.

I stooped to pick it up, when glancing down, my commute neighbour kissed her teeth and quite audibly announced “SINNER!!”.

I assumed that she was referring to my obviously disgusting gambling ‘habit’, so I looked her straight in the eye, gave her a massive grin and said “Oh hunny, believe me, I sin a HELL of a lot more than THIS!!”

As I moved towards the door with my fellow alighters, i couldn’t quite work out whether the comical expression on her face was horror, disgust or shock that I had challnged her ideals

Whichever it was, it was well worth it!

i’m sexy and i know it

Today, this has made me laugh.

A lot.

(Actually, he really can dance, and he is a RIPPED little guy!)

And if you feel you need more Spandy Andy.

reasons i want to be a boy (part 1)

So, I have come away to Manchester for work.  I was at work today, then out for a nice meal with a group of clients tonight and exhibiting at a conference tomorrow.

My (actually rather light and small) bag contains:  leggings, two tops, jewellery, jacket, trousers, boots, shoes, shampoo, conditioner, mousse, frizz-ease, make-up, perfume, pyjamas, knickers, socks, deodorant, small handbag, make-up remover cloths, toothbrush, toothpaste, brush, hairspray…as well as the usual stuff in my regular handbag.

My lovely male colleague has a tiny backpack containing:  shirt, pants, socks, toothpaste, toothbrush, deodorant.

That is all.

would you like a sick bag with your partitions?

I could give the nerd herd headaches with partitions in these colours

I am very lucky to be in a position where the company I work for is so successful that we seem to be expanding at an amazing rate.

Unfortunately, this has meant a LOT of ordering of furniture and ever-changing office layouts!

This morning, I contacted a furniture company that i have been on very friendly terms with over the past couple of years, asking about partitions.  They gave me a very reasonable quote, but then I asked ‘What colours do you supply?”.

This was their reply:  “Unless you want a bizarre colour they come in almost any colour you want, if the colour is what we call ‘Not A Normal Colour’ it may be a bit more expensive.”

What a fabulous answer

my day, by twitter

It’s been a funny old day – and I only realised when I popped onto my blog page and noticed my Tweets stripped down excluding any with mentions in them.

This has apparently been my day – there must be something in my water…

My tweets today!

However, i DO still think that I’m funny. Just occasionally!

say it like it is

she also asked for a pet T-Rex

So, after how ever many years, I finally decided it was about time that I introduced The Girl to the delights of Jurassic Park (the original of course) and so we have been watching it quite happily for a while – and she is LOVING it (even if there is no internet or mobile phones, the special effects aren’t as good as Primeval and it is VERY long!)

I happened to point out that I once had a very lovely handwritten letter Richard Attenborough – addressed to me personally and everything!

The Girl:  So have you still got it?
Me:  no, unfortunately not
TG:  Why not? did you throw it away?
Me:  No, of course I didn’t – I would never have thrown anything like that away!  but, it was actually for work and while I was on maternity leave, my boss took the chance to shred a lot of my paperwork – and unfortunately that included my ‘celebrity contacts’ file.
TG:  I’m sorry mum!
me:  Why are YOU sorry?
TG:  Well, it’s my fault – if you hadn’t had me, then you wouldn’t have been off work, would you?
Me:  Don’t be silly, it’s not YOUR fault you were born!
TG:  OK, it was dad’s fault
Me (grudgingly):  Well, not quite – it wasn’t exactly his own decision, was it?
TG:  No, I guess you did put his sperm in you, didn’t you!
Me:  Ewwwwww!!!  No!  Gross!!  Don’t EVER say anything liek that to me EVER again!!  that’s disgusting.

She just shrugged.

Ewww!

noel is his dream man

Unassassinateable?

“I had a really weird dream”, The Man said to me this morning and proceeded to try to explain it to me.

Apparently he had to go to the TV studios to assassinate Noel Edmonds during a recording of Deal Or No Deal.  so he had a pistol in a carrier bag, and off he went.  When he got there he took his trousers off (?!!?) and found the correct studio, but their security had been alerted and there was noone there, it was all being broadcast from a tape.

So he put his trousers back on (?!!?) and was trying to go down the emergency exit stairs looking as calm and innocuous as possible so that he didn’t get caught.

“I don’t know what all that might have meant”, he told me.

Apart from insanity, would anyone like to hazard a guess?

why i love the man i love

Well? Are you?

We were watching the total pile 0f pants that is ‘Falling Skies’ the other day, where aliens have invaded earth and are killing everyone in sight, and the survivors are trying to fight back etc. (To be honest, it didn’t grab me in the first 10 minutes, and although The Man thought that the aliens were pretty cool, I have no idea what was going on!).

So, he suddenly gets all animated and turns to me and says:

TM:  I  can’t believe we haven’t made any plans!
Me:  Plans for what?
TM:  If there’s a disaster of some sort and the three of us aren’t together!
Me:  What sort of disaster?
TM:  Well, alien invasion, zombies, Peak Oil suddenly kicking off – what if we’re both at work and The Girl is at school when it happens?  What are we going to do?  Where are we going to meet?

I have to admit, we’ve discussed our options in the event of such catastrophes, but never what we should do if we’re not all together.

“We need to sit down and talk about it with her”, he said.  “I’ve never had anyone that I’d really worry about and want to be with if it happened before you two.”

He was deadly serious – and that is one of the reasons I love him so much.