a bit selfish, i know
I guess when I wrote this post about all the bad aspects of my personality, I should’ve included being a wee bit selfish. Although I don’t do it all the time – it’s just right now that I’m having to fight off that monster.
I love my birthday, I’m not sure why – maybe it’s because I don’t like Christmas, but it’s always quite close to Christmas. maybe it’s because it brightens up that Jan/Feb period that people seem to think is gloomy (which I never have by the way!). Anyway, today is exactly a week before my birthday – and part of me feels a little downheartened about it this year.
I’m looking forward to seeing all my friends – I tend to have a good turn out for drinks for my birthday – but there’s a little spoilt brat of a child really trying to come to the surface at the minute.
The Man has been out of work for over three and a half years. A long time! This usually doesn’t bother me – he was made redundant three times in three years – and the last two roles, he really wasn’t happy in. At the moment, it kind of suits us. We’re skint most of the time, yes, but we manage to get by, and we manage to have a bit of fun while we’re doing it.
But just now, I would LOVE to have a treat or surprise for my birthday, and I get a little bit sad knowing that it’s not going to happen. I am NOT going to pay out for a present for myself because that just feels very self-indulgent, but he doesn’t get any money at all (jobseekers allowance stops after 6 months and we get absolutely zilch benefits because I work).
I always make sure I treat him as much as possible on his birthday, but for some reason this year it’s really hit me that he can’t do the same for me. I don’t remember feeling like this the past three birthdays, so I’m not sure why it’s getting to me this time. Perhaps it’s because I usually have my ‘big birthday night out’ drinking with my mates really close to my birthday, and this year, everyone decided it’s the first weekend in February and they all kept the 6th free, whereas I would’ve gone for the 30th – so it feels like nothing is actually going to happen on/around my birthday.
I’m thinking next weekend is my birthday weekend, and yet I’m not going to be celebrating it in any way.
And that is what makes me feel selfish I guess – I’m still going to have a great night out, just a week later, and I still have exactly the same situation as I have for years. I just seem to want something more. And I feel bad about that