I am generally a pretty happy person. I’m happy with my life, and as long as I feel good about getting up and going into work every day, and can eat, drink and have the occasional good time (ooer!) I’m definitely content.
However, every now and then I get those thoughts “Maybe one day I should get around to…” or “I wonder whether I should…”
These are aspects of my personality/being that I generally accept as traits that make me ‘Me’, but just occasionally I wonder whether I should some time and effort into changing them. Obviously in the past thirty-*ahem* years I haven’t been moved to, but I’m thinking that in an attempt to face those ghosts of ideas it would help me to get them down and out of my head! So here goes (I’ve actually been working on this post in draft for days!).
I love a good crisis
This is just my own crises, I love it when other people have a crisis too. I love problem-solving and I love psychology, and it gives me a chance to exercise both. I always feel really energised at times of great trauma. I can deal with huge problems – it’s the little ones I flap about.
I have no sense of adventure
I don’t feel the need to travel. In fact, thinking about going ‘on holiday’ often fills me with an enormous sense of trepidation. I spend the day before I go abroad in tears generally as the thought of being away upsets me. This could have its roots in all sorts of past issues (eg how I never felt ‘at home’ during my childhood or first marriage) or could be my whole social phobia. However, I always have a great time on holiday – it’s just the best part is that feeling when I’m on the home stretch, returning to London.
I hold a grudge
Oh I am a complete bugger for this. It takes a LOT to get to me, my bullshit threshold is quite high (although has reduced over the years of course) but once you’ve disappointed me, upset me or pissed me off it would take a HELL of a lot of work for me to get over it.
Of course, a lot of this is because I have no metabolism, and I forget to take my pills (literally) half of the time, but it’s also because I love food. All sorts of food. and if something tastes good, I’ll want to eat more of it! It’s also a bit because of the next issue.
As I mentioned before, I love my home, I feel so…’at home’ I guess, and this often makes me loathe to be anywhere else! I can quite happily stay indoors for a whole weekend. If I lived alone, I’d probably feel different – when I was single I used to go out at least 4 times a week, even though my two best friends lived with me and in the next road! Maybe I’m making up for years of excess!
I don’t believe in ‘forever’ / I always feel like running
The Man reckons I’m not a commitophobe, which I don’t agree with – however I don’t believe that we can be sure that any relationship (romantic or otherwise) will last forever, so I am loathe to make promises I can’t keep. This is something I’ve accepted in myself since I split with husband #2. And I feel happier for it. Although I don’t think The Man feels the same way, LOL. Unfortunately, when things aren’t going right, my first instinct is always to run away (probably a reason behind two divorces) and having a child makes this impossible, scaring me beyond belief!
I can be scathing about things I don’t agree with / I can’t be wrong
Oh I can be a bitch. “Why the FUCK would you want to live in Milton Keynes? Where’s the character?” I’ve often said this to my friend who does. “X Factor? You really watch that shit karaoke show full of talentless nobodies?”. “Don’t talk to me about bloody Christmas, commercial fucking nonsense! No, don’t send me a bloody card!”. Yes, well. If I don’t like it, it must be wrong, and I will argue it to the death! Also, along the same lines, I find it hard to say I was wrong about something, and lose face! not so much with friends, or at work, but definitely with The Man, it’s like admitting that the other one is better somehow – but as we both do it, is it that bad?
I don’t confide easily / I’ll laugh everything off
I’ve mentioned before, the fact that I have ‘circles of friendship‘ and hardly anyone ever gets through to my inner circle. I don’t like burdening people with my problems, I will hold them close to me and try to work them out by myself. I didn’t even tell The Man when I thought the flat might get repossessed about 14 months ago as I didn’t want to upset him, and I didn’t want him to think I couldn’t cope. I only told him the day I got a letter detailing the repossession timeline! in my head, my problems are my own and noone else should have to deal with them. If anyone does ask me things, I’ll generally laugh it off.
I’m painfully shy
Not with people I know obviously, but as mentioned before, it’s with new people. I get scared witless talking to them, especially in a group. A swift couple of vodkas usually solves it, but I shouldn’t really have to rely on Mr Smirnoff and his friends. The Man amazes me, he will talk to anyone anywhere, but then hardly say a word in a group of close friends!
I have no qualifications / talents and have learned nothing new for years
I can’t ‘do’ anything! I don’t play a musical instrument, speak another language (apart from schoolgirl French and a little sign language) and about the only thing I feel I have a natural talent for is cooking and writing, which aren’t exactly unique – and I’m not outstanding at either of them. This mainly links in to me being lazy, and just wanting to have fun. I also think I’m pretty good at human psychology, but in the way that I can predict how someone will act in a given situation, or how they will act when faced with something. I always spend parties curled up on a sofa or bed with someone I’ve met that night, sorting out their love-life etc, and getting really into their deep-set emotional issues. I guess that may be a talent, but it’s nothing discernible really.
So – that’s me. Not very pretty really when it’s all listed out like that, LOL…and I’m sure there’s other stuff that I haven’t put down.
However, as I mentioned, this is stuff that I know about myself, and have accepted about me – and I guess the people around me must have as well. So all is not lost.